Wednesday, May 23, 2018



In this video message, I discuss the problem of loneliness for the ex-gay. If you are in Phase 1 (considering whether you can leave the gay community) I want you to be aware of how hard it is to go straight because of the lack of people who can fully support you.

Recently I came across an old article about someone I knew from graduate school, named Karen Swallow Prior. The story was about her student Brandon Ambrosino, who came out as gay to her while at Liberty University. As the story went, as soon as Ambrosino told her he was gay, she rushed to kneel next to him, laid her hands on his shoulders, and told him, "it's okay, I love you."  Here is one article going over the highly publicized mentorship relationship.

Because of all the stories I've been hearing out in the field lately, I had to ask myself how this story would have proceeded if Brandon Ambrosino had gone into Karen's office and told her he was full of sexual thoughts about women night and day, could barely deal with all the sexual tension inside him, and needed more than anything else to get into bed with a woman with a shapely figure. I assume instead of telling him she loved him, Karen would probably file a grievance for sexual misconduct.

That is the world you are going to face when you go from gay to straight. The great tragedy facing America is the total erosion of support for the natural, God-given urges that drive men to compete for the sexual companionship of women. Marriage is no longer the gateway to sex but that has seemed to make the male sexual urge even more stigmatized for some reason, perhaps because men cannot claim that their sexual drive prompts them to "look for a wife" anymore. Their sex drive is just raw masculine appetite. Feminists and liberals hate such an idea because it is so raw and masculine and not feminine and academic. Conservatives and Christians fear such an idea because it is sexual and erotic without being tamed and highly structured.

Nobody can blame you for the sexual chaos of the landscape you will enter when you go from gay to straight. You will have to leave the tightly knit cocoon of homosexuality and surrender the gay badge that entitles you to instant sympathy, outreach, consideration, and favoritism. Your sexual pursuit of women will never be called brave. The frustration you feel at not having had sex for a long time will never win you sympathy from anyone, male or female.

You are just one of the guys. But you are also ex-gay. This journey will be lonely. But as I try to tell you in the video message you can do it.

Two tips:

1. Read the Bible each day. Jesus will walk with you. Read the fifth chapter of Mark and see how Jesus freed a man possessed by demons. But remember that you will still have to tend to the practical details to work on yourself and build your path to a straight life; it will not come to you by magic.

2. Get support from people while understanding their limits. Join a church and get prayers and spiritual help from them, understanding that they cannot help you with sexual advice about pursuing women. Make straight guy friends and enjoy their fellowship and advice about girls, but understand that they will never feel fully comfortable with your gay past. They will not understand your whole journey. If you feel deep depression or other problems, go see a counselor or psychologist. Just understand that their professional training generally forbids them from helping you shift your sexual orientation. And many of you, I know from talking to you, do not get support from your biological families. That is a pain I know all too well. Draw from them the support you need so you are not completely unrooted and lonely. But understand that they may never accept your journey because they may have found too much pride and excitement in having a gay son. Many of them may have made sacrifices when you came out as gay and now they feel those sacrifices have amounted to nothing. Stay within your lane wherever you are, and be forgiving of people's limitations.

Some groups such as the gay community and feminist women will never support you at any point. You must bless them in your heart and steer clear of them. Build a life without them but do not be hostile to them in your heart or deeds.

You can embark on the ancient tradition of self-reliance. You can do this.