Tuesday, May 22, 2018



This is an important video, in my opinion, if you are in Phase 1 (questioning whether this journey is worth it) and you hear from people that you don't have to go straight because you can just call yourself bisexual and date women. 

If you have 5 minutes or so to watch this video, I explain why over time I realized that bisexuality is not the answer, and the best course is to follow the full journey from gay to straight and embrace the "straight" label. 

I tried for many years to get around the difficulties of explaining myself by calling myself "Bisexual." 

As I explain in this video, this does not work, based on three impacts:

The impact on yourself

When you call yourself bisexual, you fill your mind with an ideology and self-regard that will lower your resistance to temptation. Part of this journey depends on your ability to reject porn, fantasies, and masturbation, which interfere with your devotion to your wife. Part of this journey is also overcoming and detoxing (purging) the gay past so you can be free from it.

Bisexual identity makes you susceptible to backsliding. It gives you an easy rationalization to read gay materials, visit gay websites and businesses, watch gay porn, have gay fantasies, and eventually flirt with cheating. 

You need clarity for yourself. If you call yourself straight that gives you clarity. If you call yourself bisexuality you deny yourself clarity.

The impact of the bisexual label on other people

Regardless of what people say or whether they include B in LGBT, nobody really takes bisexuality seriously.

Straight people see bisexuality as a perverted identity and think, generally, that bisexuals are simply depraved and will sleep with anything that moves. 

Gay people see bisexuality as a delusion and assume you are in denial about the fact that you are really gay. Or they think you are trying to be better than them.

Nobody can handle the idea that you are bisexual and not open to practicing bisexual acts in real time. People will generally assume that you are willing to engage in sex acts with either sex, which means you are not reliably faithful to your wife. You can gripe about the fact that isn't fair, saying, "just because I am attracted to both sexes does not mean that I sleep with both sexes." It will change nobody's mind.

As I explain in the video, you have to grow up at some point and concede that language is shared by other people outside of yourself. Even if you have some fancy definition for bisexual that says you have feelings but don't act on them, that is not what people will hear.

So as you signal to everyone that you are bisexual, you invite stalking and flirtation. You welcome temptation into your life. If you are diligent about exercising, you will develop a better physique. This, combined with your brighter spirits as you enjoy a better sex life with your wife, will make some people attracted to you. The bisexual label sends a terrible message because both men and women will think you are ready for sex with anyone, any time, with no guilt or strings attached.

A certain stratum of females likes bisexual men. There are also women who have bisexual boyfriends who actively recruit men for threesomes. You want all of these people to stay away from you so you don't backslide.

The impact of the bisexual label on your wife

I talk about this in the video. As you start on this journey you are going to have to learn more about women. Women are one way when you are their friend and a confidant or colleague. When they are considering sex with you or having sex with you, they transform into totally different creatures. It is like Dr. Jeykll and Mrs. Hyde. 

When women are sexually interested in you, or especially having sex with you, they often want to feel one way but actually feel a different way. They may say they are fine with you calling yourself bisexual but really this causes them deep anxiety. One of the worst things that can happen is if you make love to a woman and her guard is up. She won't give herself to you completely and her tense reaction to you will prevent her from reaching the joy you want to give her as you make love to her. Your sex will not bond the two of you as closely as you need to do.

She may say she is open-minded and is okay with your bisexuality, but chances are, she thinks the label means that she cannot satisfy all of you. Women hate to feel that you are only partially there or half-interested in them. They want to feel they have your complete attention. Sometimes women like to see others competing for your attention, because this means you are a highly prized companion. But this game only works to make her feel warm toward you, if she knows that deep down inside she can trust you and you belong to her totally.

She can never be a man and she knows that. If you constantly say you are bisexual you may be expressing one thing but she is hearing something totally different. She is hearing that a part of you does not belong to her and may slip away from her. When you make love to her, she has to trust you with the power you gain over her during the act. If she is throwing up walls between her and you because she doesn't know if you are fully hers, she will not feel the full happiness you can give her. She will eventually grow cold.

Everything in my marriage improved dramatically when I stopped using the word bisexual.

What does this mean for you at the beginning stages?

If you are at the very beginning of your journey and trying to figure out what is right for you, I think it is important to confront the bisexual identity right now. If you set as your goal to be bisexual but with a woman, your journey is going to be completely different. You will not be separating yourself from the gay community and you will have very low chances of resisting gay pornography, gay fantasies, masturbation, and gay associations. The bisexual label will keep you in that orbit.

If your goal from the beginning is to go straight and be with a woman in a chaste marriage, then the journey is totally different. You have to say your goodbyes to the LGBT community, go into hiding to remake yourself, and enter the dating market as a man whom women can date with the assurance that he really wants a woman and nothing else.

Having once chosen the bisexual label, I counsel against it. The video can explain more fully why.