Saturday, May 19, 2018

EX-GAY TIP(2) FOR SATURDAY: Should I refuse my wife sex if it brings back bad memories?


Women are politely asked not to read this post.

A question arose in a forum that I thought deserved a few quick paragraphs. (This is Robert Oscar Lopez speaking here, on his own behalf.)

Someone mentioned that his wife asked him to engage in the sex acts associated with gay life. He was wondering if it was a good idea or bad idea to go along with his wife's desires.

(Just in case you are wondering, this refers to oral and anal sex.)

This is a very tough call. I have always said that the best way to do well as an ex-gay is to place your wife's desires ahead of your own.

But I think I know where this ex-gay man is coming from. Without getting into details I wondered about this at various times and came up with an answer, which probably isn't helpful for everyone. But maybe for Phase 5 guys who are into their marriages, it could shed some light on it.
Despite all the work we do to rebuild ourselves and reconstitute our selfhood, ex-gay men are still fragile. We can manage our body memory but we can never really get rid of what we endured in the gay lifestyle. It is important to be strong for our wives and not show that we are weak in the face of adversity or struggle. And I think it is important never to say no to your wife when she wants you to make love to her. You should always be ready to do it when she wants, which is why it is important, in Phase 5 to do ZERO masturbation and of course no pornography.

But I think it is important to look at your wife's requests a little differently if they pose a deeper threat to your well-being. If you feel that certain sex acts are going to bring back very bad memories, I think you should say no, even if you suspect it might feel good. Make it up to her by kissing her and doing something else.

My philosophy in marriage was that my wife's womanhood was not a side detail but an integral part of what I love. I cannot be my best if I am doing things with her that gay men do to each other. But of course you find nice ways of putting it.

So this is just my opinion, a tip for what it's worth. I put a lot of work into my marriage and I don't want it to be undermined. God's plan for intimacy seems clear from the very structure of our bodies.