Monday, June 4, 2018



It's Monday, so it's time to start a new week with a new main focus. We will be discussing this week Phase 3.

Phase 1 was when a guy is in the gay scene and needs to educate himself about whether he needs to get out. Phase 2 was when a guy signals to people outside himself that he is no longer committing to gay identity and is planning to change his life in the anticipation of looking for a lifelong female partner (a wife).

Phase 3 is the point where a guy has left the gay world but he is in "hiding" before he starts dating. I know it seems like you're still waiting until you start chasing after girls! Girls! Girls! But Phase 3 is an important point where you build yourself up so you are ready to ask girls out.

So this week I will focus on the "clearance" list. This is the list of things you have to improve about yourself while you are in hiding, before you can actually start asking girls out on dates. You are still not, at this stage, actively seeking a girlfriend. You are still not, at this stage, trying to coach yourself to be attracted to women or picture yourself having sex with a woman.

You have a lot of work to do on yourself. Here is the clearance list you need to meet, before you get out of Phase 3 and start actually dating women (Phase 4).

The "clearance" list for your time in hiding

1. Is your living arrangement safe and well-kept?
2. Are you off social media?

3. Are your physique and grooming right for dating women?
4. Is your job stable?
5. Are you ready to become a father if you and a woman you are dating lose your caution and move too fast?
6. How is your concentration? Are you able to pay attention to what people say and listen without your mind drifting off?
7. Do you have a track record of sticking with your game plan for life?

8. How is your overall confidence and ability to handle rejection or hostility?
9. Is your car in good shape?
10. Have you been able to go without watching any porn and with near-abstinence of masturbation (at least 90-180 days between times you masturbate) for a healthy period of time?

Why not just jump from Phase 2 to Phase 4 and get out and start dating?

Once you've left the gay community, you may come across a woman who sparks mutual interest and you may decide to accelerate your whole journey and pursue her. This would depend on whether you think the mutual interest is strong enough that you want to marry her and she is interested in marrying you. Short of that, you may want to "hang out" with her but not with the implication that you are dating. 

Here's why I say that Phase 3 is important and you have to clear these ten hurdles before you can actually ask girls out on dates.

First, you are still very fragile at this point. You may feel excited to have gotten out of the gay community and shed the gay label in Phase 2, but your risk of backsliding remains incredibly high. Your time in the gay scene was probably intense and its effects long-lasting. Your experience with women is still highly limited and mostly colored by friendships you had with women who viewed you as a harmless gay friend. Women are extremely different toward you when there is an implication of sexual interest. Rejection by females is very different when you have admitted you want to go out with them and are attracted to them. Such rejection is not like when you have a dispute with a female peer as friends. 

Women are picky. In relationships with men they stand to lose a lot of power over their lives, and they may get hurt. They know this. They will say no if you ask them out and they see warning signs. And they should say no, and you need to respect that. They will break up with you if you are making them uncomfortable or they feel you are wasting their time. And they should, and you should respect that.

Dating can be a black hole of time if there are basic things in your life that raise red flags everywhere you go. For instance, if you have a wardrobe left from the gay world where everything is tight-fitting and sleeveless, you will have trouble getting past first dates. If your car is a mess don't be surprised if women find reasons to stop seeing you after the first date. If you still speak the way you did in the gay world, making vulgar sex references and using profanity, forget it. She is not going to want to see you. You need confidence and concentration; you have to make sure you're good at listening and paying attention. And lastly, of course, there is the question of physique. Women are less visually obsessed than men are, but they do react to some basic things about men's physiques. They don't necessarily want to see your washboard abs, but they want to make sure you fill up a shirt and you have a formidable presence that conveys strength and stability. If you are very skinny and have effeminate mannerisms you can't get rid of (don't stress about effeminate mannerisms to the point of driving yourself crazy--I have done fine even though I still sound very gay), this is a difficult combination.

It is not good for you to step out from the gay community and then encounter withering rejection after withering rejection, and never getting past the first date with women.

Maybe you think you can handle that, but there is a high chance that you may backslide and give up, and go back to being gay.

You need to go slow, and this phase is important.

If you have early encounters with women that disappoint or discourage you, you may quickly abandon the journey and backslide.

Here is my theory, for what it is worth. (Remember, English Manif is all tips so take it or leave it.) With women you can never redo two key moments: your first meeting her, and your first time making love to her. If you meet her and you aren't in the right state of mind or in good shape, then the relationship begins on shaky ground. You can't build yourself up necessarily, because you are building up a relationship with her. And when you first have sexual intercourse with her, there is a high chance that it will be a bad experience.

One thing I have learned talking to guys who wanted to get out of the gay scene is this: If their first time having intercourse with a woman is a bad experience, they almost inevitably decide that they are really gay and this is not for them. 

Listen to what controversial speaker Milo Yiannopoulos said when asked about whether he could ever be with a woman. He said he tried it, found it kind of boring, and realized this wasn't for him. Obviously Milo was not in a great state to become a lover of women, with his flamboyant speech and dyed blond hair and flippant statements about women. Whoever this woman was who decided to try having sex with him, she was probably someone who brought strange motives into the bedroom. Her standards were either very low or else very focused on someone's celebrity. It is likely they did not know each other well, and Milo probably has developed neither the personality nor the physical skills to walk into a fruitful sexual relationship with a woman. When a woman is not sure if a man is trustworthy or not, her body is not relaxed and she cannot feel the full pleasure of a man's affection. So this woman probably was putting up walls between herself and Milo. Milo's reaction, no doubt, was to find that it took too much work to keep himself aroused and keep her aroused and go through a long and unfamiliar lovemaking. I do not know if Milo abstains from porn and other instant pleasures, but if he does not abstain from them, then his body was also probably very tired and he was not in a good condition to feel the chemistry with a woman anyway.

In watching Milo as one of his many spectators, I suspected from early on that he was not really "gay." His performances felt forced and exaggerated. It was obvious that he banked his career on a gay persona. But in the end, he did actually get married to a man. I think if he had taken something like a Phase 2 and a Phase 3, and transformed his mind, body, soul, and heart before asking girls out on dates, then he would have been able to embark on a full and meaningful dating period. Rather than attempt sex with the mystery woman who "bored" him, he may have met the woman who could unlock his "mojo" and connect with them, the way I connected with the woman who became my wife.

So Phase 3 is important. You want to make sure that these ten items are all in good shape before you start asking girls out on dates. In Phase 3, you are working on yourself on all levels--mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically--because all of these levels require change before you can become "straight" and be a good lover to a woman.

We'll go over more this week.