Monday, June 4, 2018



Women are politely asked not to read this post.

So how do ex-gay men get to have straight sex?

In the discussion of Phases 1 and 2, I managed to avoid an extended discussion of the simple logistics of converting from gayness to straightness. Naturally, sex makes people, especially conservatives, uncomfortable. But this is a massive part of the equation that must be dealt with. Since I published the first two pieces, the questions have rolled in about what an ex-gay man is supposed to do, if he commits internally to the ex-gay dream I have laid out, but has no idea where to find a girl and no real guarantee that he can accomplish sex with her. 

Let us assume that a man has a deep willingness to stop his gay lifestyle but is starting his road to heterosexuality with nothing, not even the slightest history of sex with women. In the millennial generation and below, unfortunately, this is a huge constituency of ex-gays and they cannot all become celibate. 

Not "women" but "a woman"

It is important to note that the ex-gay man should not leave ex-gay life in search of "women" or with the intent of "proving" that "women" as a class turn him on. The ex-gay man is searching for a woman--only one. A great mistake would be to hurry into some kind of sexual test which they apply to themselves as a quick trial. Here are the three most common such ill-conceived tests that aspiring ex-gays take to prove themselves:

1. The "first woman who comes along" mistake

One foolish move is to think you can go from sleeping with men to sleeping with women and find out if you like women better. People who choose this ill-advised path jump into bed with the first woman who presents herself. Any woman willing to invite a man immersed in gay life, into her body for an act of intimacy, is by default a woman with low standards. So the aspiring ex-gay has jumped into a lose-lose scenario of the worst kind. If he is not impotent and miraculously succeeds in sleeping with this woman, he has replaced bad gay sex with bad straight sex and only reinforced the self-destructive behaviors that most likely hurt him in the gay world. Only now, he is turning his hetero possibilities into a bad version of his gay realities, with the added danger of pregnancy. 

If our aspiring ex-gay is mercifully spared corruption because a good dose of impotence staves off this tragedy, the ex-gay will likely walk away believing the Big Lie that he is unchangeably gay. The perfectly healthy reaction of his body to resist a dirty experience may come across to him as proof that all the meanies in the gay community who told him he would never make it as a straight man were right.

2. The "which porn do I like better" mistake

Similar to #1, many aspiring ex-gays look to hetero porn for salvation. This never ends well. Typically they will start watching hetero porn and masturbate to see if they can force themselves to feel arousal at the image of straight intercourse. The main accomplishment that results from this effort is to make the ex-gay more addicted to masturbation, which as I explained in Part 2 of the series, will thwart his ability to have the sex he needs to have with a woman. Habitual masturbation deadens desire and makes people sexually tired, so when our friend does find himself in bed with the woman of his dreams, he may end up impotent from having exhausted himself with masturbation. Rather than see that he has a porn problem, he will believe the Big Lie, give up on heterosexuality, and go back to the gay community.

Unfortunately the aspiring ex-gay who finds that he does like hetero porn better can now join the swelling ranks of straight porn addicts who have no girlfriends and live in their parents' basement. If he finds he likes gay porn better, he will decide he cannot be straight after all and goes back to the gay community.

3. The "somebody, anybody, everybody" mistake

The third mistake I have seen an aspiring ex-gay make is to spend all day imagining the women around him naked, to see if he likes what his mind pictures. So he goes to the office and pictures the secretary naked, the cleaning woman naked, and the vice president of human resources naked. He goes home and tries to masturbate while thinking about these women, and if he can sustain his self-gratification all the way to climax, then he is straight, but if his mind wanders to men, then all is lost, and he must be gay again. 

This test is pointless, of course, because its entire premise comes from the interactions of the gay community where people move within seconds from introducing one another to oral sex. Sex with women is an entirely different enterprise that involves seduction, flirtation, knowledge of the other, foreplay, and other complexities. Even if I can make my mouth water by thinking about white chocolate, this does not mean that if I bite the white chocolate, I will want to eat it for the rest of my life. The gap between the empty abstraction and the reality of the action renders #3 useless.

So what does success as an ex-gay look like?

The successful ex-gay is a straight man who is in a relationship with one woman, his wife, whom he pleases in bed with acts of intimacy on a regular basis, including sexual intercourse.

Notice that many straight men admire "players" or "playboys" who have a lot of women but I have nowhere suggested such promiscuous models for ex-gays. My theory is that anyone who is "ex-gay" is going to be a more sensitive man than your average straight man who has never had any gay experiences or thoughts. The very process of feeling or enacting the sex acts that unsettle souls and nauseate others leads a person to feel sensitive and sometimes defensive. Those who are sensitive or scared of being rejected are those who also run a greater chance of having their hearts broken. I say this with full self-incrimination because I am one of those kinds of people. I know from experience.

By great fortune and God's kindness, the only woman I ever made love to became my wife and I am still with her. But my reaction to losing my virginity was, I believe, quite different than the reaction of my peers, especially those who first had sex in their teenage years or early twenties. It became clear to me that I was obsessive about making love to her because the thought of her going away from me was more terrifying than anything I had ever faced. There was, in a deeply true sense, a part of me inside her, and if she were to go away, I felt I could not bear the loss. The mere thought of making love to another woman after having that experience with her made me feel uneasy, and I knew at this point that if she were to dump me, I had "bitten the apple" regarding women, and would have to pursue women after her, but I felt in my heart that no other woman could ever be as good for me as she was. This is a good problem, I suppose--it means being in love and finding your other half. But I was much more sensitive and tender-hearted than my male peers who could go from one woman to another with no problem. So I asked her to marry me within six months, and we were husband and wife soon, leaving me with a peace of mind that has sustained me to this day. 

Over the years I have realized that ex-gay men are more often like me than not like me. Their hearts break easily because they know in a deep sense what empty, meaningless, and degrading sex does to people, having gotten through it in their gay life. They do not have the luxury that purely straight men have, of being able to lose their virginity with a girl they do not know, decide the night was awful, and move on. "Moving on" for the ex-gay man is most likely going back to the gay world to find solace in pure emotional emptiness, where there is neither the promise of a spiritual connection nor the dread of disappointment at losing that connection or never finding it.

Hence, when I write about the ex-gay's strategy on women, I must repeat that for most ex-gays there is no success route leading from "sex with men" to "sex with women." The journey is one from meaningless sex to spiritually meaningful sex. All of my advice here follows this pattern and is designed for that type of journey.

Much of what I suggest below applies to purely straight men but not all of it does. For instance, it might make sense for a purely straight man to chase after pretty girls for a time, looking only at their beauty. But that is not a viable option for an ex-gay man coming out of homosexual conduct. There is beauty enough to overflow in the gay world, with its oversupply of dieting, weightlifting, and plastic surgery. The ex-gay man needs most of all a woman of good character. The ex-gay man needs to spend more time on transforming himself into an ideal man, because his need is more specific: he needs to find that one woman who will grow sexually and spiritually with him. A woman of good character might be a chubby or skinny, with too many freckles or oddly shaped teeth, but if she has a kind of radiance, she has no need of makeup, and anyway her strong character will prompt her to make sure that her man is as happy with her as she is with him.