Monday, June 11, 2018



This week we are sticking with special focus on Phase 3. Phase 3 is the point where a guy has left the gay world but he is in "hiding" before he starts dating. As a reminder, here is the clearance list you need to meet, before you get out of Phase 3 and start actually dating women (Phase 4). This post focuses on the part in bold!

1. Is your living arrangement safe and well-kept?
2. Are you off social media?

3. Are your physique and grooming right for dating women?
4. Is your job stable?
5. Are you ready to become a father if you and a woman you are dating lose your caution and move too fast?
6. How is your concentration? Are you able to pay attention to what people say and listen without your mind drifting off?
7. Do you have a track record of sticking with your game plan for life?

8. How is your overall confidence and ability to handle rejection or hostility?
9. Is your car in good shape?
10. Have you been able to go without watching any porn and with near-abstinence of masturbation (at least 90-180 days between times you masturbate) for a healthy period of time?

I wrote about the issue of listening in a past post, which I will re-quote here:

6. How is your concentration?

The time just after deciding to leave the gay community can be intense. Since the gay world is often a place where people focus on their own desires and needs (hence an identity based on one's own desires and needs), people who have spent a lot of time in the gay world can at times struggle to be good listeners. 

Yet women like to talk on dates and they especially like it when men listen to them. It will be awkward if you find yourself having to admit you didn't follow something she said, prompting her to backtrack and repeat it. Think of the last few months--how much do you talk about yourself in conversation, versus how much you listen to others? Are you typically able to follow what people tell you or are you usually daydreaming or distracted? Can you make it through roughly three hours with someone and not check your cell phone?

Before you go on dates you want to make sure you've gotten to be a good listener.

As I discuss in the video below, to clear this part of Phase 3 and move to dating, you should do the following:

--Every two months, do a "listening check" on yourself. Take out a sheet of paper and write down all the conversations you can remember having in the 48 h0urs previous.

--Write down as much as you can about what the person told you in each conversation.

--Write down how much you can remember, having told about yourself.

--Do you talk more about yourself than listen to others?

--How often do you speak recklessly? You should analyze yourself and ask how comfortable you are with strategic silences. Get better at using them to avoid saying things that you might regret saying later. 

--How much do you say um or ah or "you know" or "like." I still say these a lot. But I have cut them down. They make you sound less masculine. You may try recording yourself when you talk and go back and listen.

--Have you been able to eliminate profanity and crude sexual references? These were blasé in the gay world but absolute no-nos when you are dating women. 

If you can pass two of these bi-monthly speech checks with flying colors, then you are cleared to get out of Phase 3! Listen to the video for more details: