Friday, June 1, 2018



Depending on where you are on the journey from gay to straight, you will face a lot of self-questioning, nerve-racking moments. You will suddenly be stunned and a little nervous about the fact that you are doing something that almost everyone in the world thinks cannot be done. That voice in your head -- the voice of the Big Lie -- will often start talking again, saying, "you are crazy, of course you are gay. Stop this." It's the voice of the people who pressured you and tricked you into identifying as gay in the first place.

Start developing strategies to channel your thoughts when these doubting moments surface again. In your thoughts, have an answer to each doubt that gets thrown at you.

One strategy you should consider and keep handy is this: reread your history of coming out. Go back and confirm what happened in the moment when you came out -- look at old emails and documents if you have to. But retrace, for your own edification, how you ended up in the gay scene in the first place.

How old were you?

If the answer to this question is below the age of 25, then immediately stop and consider how crazy it is that people expect you to spend your whole life committed to something you came up with when you were young and reckless.

Prior to puberty you have no clue about your sexual future.

During puberty your body is changing and drowning in insane hormones. You have a fluxing identity and no idea what your life will be like in the future in general. You also have a skewed and childish view of what girls are like, largely because girls your age are still, basically, children.

In the period just after puberty to your mid-twenties, you were in the strange twilight zone of postmodern life. The nineteenth century invented our concept of "childhood" and the mid-twentieth century invented our concept of "adolescence." The late twentieth century invented our concept of early adulthood. Based on the experience of people who waste four years going to college, this "early adulthood" is a toxic time when you think you know far more than you do, you have the body and psychology of an adult male, and you have a childlike unwillingness to accept consequences of anything.

Under ObamaCare, you could be under your parents' health insurance until the age of 26. This is the world we live in. If you came out as gay under the age of 25, you did so in a complete vacuum of substantial information. It was a reckless and uninformed decision that unfortunately you took, because you were living in a culture that failed to instill you with common sense and the ability to advance your authentic self-interests.

How much did you tailor your coming out to other people's templates for coming out?

In the late twentieth century, gay people created a cottage industry of sentimental but totally fake coming of age stories. How many have said they "just knew they were gay at age five"? How many have memories of gym class or a best friend, and they had the stirrings of sexual interest that they could not understand? 

How many cast their coming out in a heroic light, telling of how much courage it took to defy their family, church, or society at large?

If you heard other people's coming-out stories and they involved being forced to go to conversion therapy and almost committing suicide because they had to go through electroshock therapy, guess what. These were fake stories. Urban legends. Lies and balderdash.

But we heard them. We heard them many times around us during the last fifty years. Think to your own coming-out story. Did you follow other people's outlines? Be honest with yourself. Did you force your own situation and memory to fit the expectations of the genre of the coming out story?

Keep this in mind from time to time. The vast majority of coming-out stories you hear are fake. There may have been a kernel of truth in some of them, but the sentimentality and ideological arguments hidden in the way people told their stories and "spoke out" were false.

Here's why. People are not born gay. What you feel when you are five years old has no bearing on what your sex life will be like when you are thirty-five years old. People change according to situations. 

Also, gay sex is not normal. It is not normal to want to insert your genitals into the part of a man's body that goes to the bathroom and expels toxic waste. It is not normal to win a man's affection by letting him destroy your bowels with his genitals. And it is not normal to want to put another man's genitals in your mouth, or to have another man put yours in his. All of this is creepy, gross, and unhealthy. And at the core of "coming out" is a signal that you plan to engage in these acts and you are available for such acts.

What normal person designates a moment when he tells the whole world he is going to do these abnormal things for the rest of his life and devote his whole identity to them?

Why would you come out as gay when you are young, and lock yourself in a pattern of sexual behavior that is so strange and unfulfilling? You are too young to know what this will mean in twenty years. You are too young to understand all the other opportunities you are giving up, by committing to gay sex.

How much sexual experience did you have when you came out?

If you had never engaged in gay sex when you came out, why did you come out? You didn't even know what you were signing up for.

If you had had gay sex when you came out, consider how imprudent it was to define a lifelong identity based on encounters that happened in an early time of your life. When you are young, you are more sexually desirable to people in the gay world. You have no idea about how the sex acts will wear at your body and bore you, eventually. You also have no perspective on how rewarding straight sex is if you keep learning about it and getting better at it.

There is no coming out story that can possibly justify an entire life as a gay person.

Every coming out story is the story of someone speaking too soon about themselves and jumping the gun. Your coming out story falls under that classification in one way or another. So if you now feel uneasy about gay life, trust the instincts you have now. Do not feel bound by the speech you gave when you came out. That belongs to a different, less educated, less experienced, less prudent time, when people around you goaded or tricked you into a terrible mistake. 

This journey from gay to straight is not like coming out. This video explains why.