Sunday, May 27, 2018

MONDAY TIP: WHY I THINK YOU CAN MAKE THIS CHANGE EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE ELSE SAYS YOU CAN'T

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I promised that I would help walk guys through Phase 2, which is where you begin enacting the journey from gay to straight. If you took the red pill at the end of Phase 1, then Phase 2 is naturally where you go next. This is the moment when you first signal to people outside of yourself that you are making a change. The main development in Phase 2 is a radical shift in your identity and the end of your use of the label "gay" to define, describe, or limit yourself. 

You are not pursuing women or trying to get yourself to desire women yet. Trust me -- there is a lot to do before you even start thinking about that. In my experience and according to what I have learned from other ex-gays, you will have very slim chances of success as a straight guy if you do not take the time to close out your gay life properly. You need to show respect to the people who knew you as gay and give them a chance to know why you will be changing so suddenly. You have to learn how to forgive people, and forgive all the things people may have done up until now, so you can be free of whatever kept you in the gay scene. You need to impress upon yourself the reality that a huge physical change is about to take place, and then do everything you can to commit to the sacrifices and difficulties that will go along with that change.

But I want to launch Phase 2 week with first some explanations to you about why I present such a radically different view from virtually everyone else whose opinions you will read. After all, everyone else tells you it is impossible or even wrong to try to change. You will hear again and again that if you try to do this, you may become suicidal. 

So this essay will explain where I come from. If this helps you trust my tips, great. Always remember that you can take or leave whatever I tell you here. I am not a psychologist or science expert. You have to go slowly and seek help if you are having a lot of emotional turbulence and fear you are going to break down. The one thing I can offer you is simply the weight of experience. 

I did it. Many others have. Everyone's situation is different but I still believe the core of what I have seen can be useful to others, especially because nothing I suggest is actually all that radical. Everything I did in my life was basically healthy and moral, with the exception of doing things with a woman outside of marriage, that is to say, before I married her.

SUNDAY (2) TIP: GET READY FOR PHASE 2 WEEK--SAYING GOODBYE TO THE GAY SCENE

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It is still Sunday where I am, but I am gathering together a lot of really great material for our week focusing on Phase 2 of the Journey (this is when you break away from the gay scene.) I recorded this brief video to give people a brief overview of what to expect as we examine this phase of the change from gay to straight:



A couple of things I hoped to convey in this video, but some of it didn't get in there.

1. Phase 2 in real life does not last a week. It may last as long as a year!

2. My goal is to keep you along but not just push you forward too early. So the two bans are in place starting in Phase 2: NO porn (not even straight porn!) and masturbation has to be near to abstinence. (If you need a stat, the limit you are trying to reach is at least 90 days between times you masturbate.) Let me explain my reasoning here: Porn has got to go immediately and you have to purge all of it. But I don't want to lose you on the journey over masturbation. I get it, it's too much of a shock to say you will never masturbate again, so I hope to work with you through the phases and I'm not willing to scare you off just over masturbation. But as I explain in the video you have to replace masturbation with exercise, this is really important, and if you are still masturbating frequently, you will find it almost impossible to get out of Phase 2.

3. You have to get yourself checked out by the doctor at this phase, especially if you were heavily active in the gay scene. Find out everything you have, and make sure you take the time to get clean. If you picked up herpes in the gay scene, that's never going away but there are ways to manage it, and it is not a deal-breaker for you. If you are HIV+, you cannot go on this journey. I will try to have some posts suggesting celibacy sites or other things to do. But you cannot get into dating women if you have HIV.

4. In Phase 2, do not stress about forcing yourself to be sexually attracted to women yet. You're still a ways away from dating, and you do not need to start disciplining your mind with sexual fantasies. It is important to bring closure to your gay past in a way that's forgiving, decent, and healthy.

SUNDAY TIP: ARE YOU THE LOST COIN?

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I am about ready to declare a moratorium on the clobber verses. I have written long explanations of Romans 1 and Genesis 19, right here on English Manif! But I am ready to branch out to other parts of the Bible, which I think speak beautifully to the need for heterosexuality. The verses about how awful homosexuality is might not make much difference for readers here. If you've had gay sex you know how bad it is; your own revulsion and discomfort over the whole affair suffices, in most cases, to make you see that God did not design you for homosexuality.

But the Bible defends heterosexuality in a million hidden ways and that is a good focus. Let me summarize below the parable of the lost coin in Luke 15:8. See here:

Friday, May 25, 2018

SATURDAY IN SOCIETY: WHY AREN'T CHURCHES MORE HELPFUL TO PEOPLE FLEEING HOMOSEXUALITY?

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I have been pretty good at avoiding politics on English Manif lately. I know some of the guys who need the morale boost vote for Democrats and many do not go to church. I'd love for all of you to think and worship exactly like me, but as they say, no pressure, no pressure. My goal remains to keep everything practical and not get lost in academic terms or sweeping political stands.

But I figure since Saturday is an off day, maybe I will allow myself occasionally to speak about cultural politics on Saturday.  And this Saturday (May 26, 2018) I am going to share this brief note about what has happened in our churches. I am sorry if you were hoping for more engagement with liturgical and theological debates on English Manif, but this brief video message explains why:

TIP (3) FOR FRIDAY: 10 QUESTIONS TO END RED PILL WEEK

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It's the end of "Red Pill Week!" This is the week during which I sought to speak to the Phase 1 guys, gay men who are in the community and trying to weigh for themselves whether to take the red pill, and go on the journey from gay to straight.



To finish the week off, I have 10 basic red pill questions to help the questioning gay guy reach a decision about whether or not to go straight:


TIP (2) FOR FRIDAY: TAKING SEX SERIOUSLY

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I would be curious to know how many of you feel the way I do about the constant onslaught of news about sex and sexuality. I find it tiresome but also maddening, because society cannot make up their mind as to whether sexual pleasure is a small detail irrelevant to most of our lives, or sexual pleasure is the pinnacle of our Jeffersonian "pursuit of happiness" and must trump every other consideration out there.

The sheer percentage of news stories that involve homosexuality, transgenderism, women's issues, sexual abuse, sexual confusion, pornography, exploitation, advice on how to have good sex, dating, marriage, and abortion is overwhelming.

I would be fine with everybody talking about sex all the time if they could be consistent and say, we are going to talk about sex because it matters, so let's all talk about it today.

Thursday, May 24, 2018

TIP FOR FRIDAY: WERE YOU EVER REALLY GAY???

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This week I've tried to give special attention to folks in Phase 1 (you are in the gay community and trying to decide whether to go on this journey). Perhaps no question is more central to Phase 1 than this basic one, which you often do not ask yourselves:



Were you ever really gay? 

We use the term constantly to describe people but nobody knows what the term really means. Does it mean you just like men, but not necessarily that you think about having sex with them? Does it mean you want sex with them but not necessarily that you engage in the sex? Does it mean you have sex with men?

While people act nonchalant and assured about what the word means, people do not actually agree on what the term implies. And yet you are stuck living inside this term. You are so stuck inside it, people in some states like California have made it illegal for people to suggest that you can stop being gay after you have already called yourself gay (or someone else has insisted you are gay!).

TIP(3) FOR THURS: NAVIGATING FRIENDSHIPS WITH STRAIGHT MEN

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Once you make it out of Phase 2 (leaving the gay community), and move forward in your journey, friendships with straight men will assume greater importance.

TIP (2) FOR THURS: STAYING OFF SOCIAL MEDIA, AND OTHER PARTS OF THE PHASE 3 "CLEARANCE LIST"

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This week has been focused a lot on Phase 1 guys but I want to make a note for guys in Phases 3-4. Especially it is important to pay attention to what risks you are dealing with, in the area of social media.

Reminder of how "hiding" and "dating" fit into your journey

In the original five-step plan English Manif put out (soon to be reposted as soon it is edited), we gave you the plan to disable all your social media as you move from Phase 3 (self-rebuilding in hiding) to Phase 4 (dating). This was #2 on the ten-point "clearance" list that a guy has to clear before he is ready to go into full-fledged dating with women.

The full article about Phase 3 will be reposted soon, but for now here is a reminder of the ten points you have to "clear" before you go out asking women on dates.

1. Is your living arrangement safe and well-kept?
2. Are you off social media?

3. Are your physique and grooming right for dating women?
4. Is your job stable?
5. Are you ready to become a father if you and a woman you are dating lose your caution and move too fast?
6. How is your concentration? Are you able to pay attention to what people say and listen without your mind drifting off?
7. Do you have a track record of sticking with your game plan for life?

8. How is your overall confidence and ability to handle rejection or hostility?
9. Is your car in good shape?
10. Have you been able to go without watching any porn and with near-abstinence of masturbation (at least 90-180 days between times you masturbate) for a healthy period of time?


The part about social media was originally explained this way:

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

TIP FOR THURSDAY: SURVIVING THE LONELINESS OF THE JOURNEY FROM GAY TO STRAIGHT

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In this video message, I discuss the problem of loneliness for the ex-gay. If you are in Phase 1 (considering whether you can leave the gay community) I want you to be aware of how hard it is to go straight because of the lack of people who can fully support you.



Recently I came across an old article about someone I knew from graduate school, named Karen Swallow Prior. The story was about her student Brandon Ambrosino, who came out as gay to her while at Liberty University. As the story went, as soon as Ambrosino told her he was gay, she rushed to kneel next to him, laid her hands on his shoulders, and told him, "it's okay, I love you."  Here is one article going over the highly publicized mentorship relationship.

Because of all the stories I've been hearing out in the field lately, I had to ask myself how this story would have proceeded if Brandon Ambrosino had gone into Karen's office and told her he was full of sexual thoughts about women night and day, could barely deal with all the sexual tension inside him, and needed more than anything else to get into bed with a woman with a shapely figure. I assume instead of telling him she loved him, Karen would probably file a grievance for sexual misconduct.


That is the world you are going to face when you go from gay to straight. The great tragedy facing America is the total erosion of support for the natural, God-given urges that drive men to compete for the sexual companionship of women. Marriage is no longer the gateway to sex but that has seemed to make the male sexual urge even more stigmatized for some reason, perhaps because men cannot claim that their sexual drive prompts them to "look for a wife" anymore. Their sex drive is just raw masculine appetite. Feminists and liberals hate such an idea because it is so raw and masculine and not feminine and academic. Conservatives and Christians fear such an idea because it is sexual and erotic without being tamed and highly structured.

Nobody can blame you for the sexual chaos of the landscape you will enter when you go from gay to straight. You will have to leave the tightly knit cocoon of homosexuality and surrender the gay badge that entitles you to instant sympathy, outreach, consideration, and favoritism. Your sexual pursuit of women will never be called brave. The frustration you feel at not having had sex for a long time will never win you sympathy from anyone, male or female.

You are just one of the guys. But you are also ex-gay. This journey will be lonely. But as I try to tell you in the video message you can do it.

Two tips:

1. Read the Bible each day. Jesus will walk with you. Read the fifth chapter of Mark and see how Jesus freed a man possessed by demons. But remember that you will still have to tend to the practical details to work on yourself and build your path to a straight life; it will not come to you by magic.

2. Get support from people while understanding their limits. Join a church and get prayers and spiritual help from them, understanding that they cannot help you with sexual advice about pursuing women. Make straight guy friends and enjoy their fellowship and advice about girls, but understand that they will never feel fully comfortable with your gay past. They will not understand your whole journey. If you feel deep depression or other problems, go see a counselor or psychologist. Just understand that their professional training generally forbids them from helping you shift your sexual orientation. And many of you, I know from talking to you, do not get support from your biological families. That is a pain I know all too well. Draw from them the support you need so you are not completely unrooted and lonely. But understand that they may never accept your journey because they may have found too much pride and excitement in having a gay son. Many of them may have made sacrifices when you came out as gay and now they feel those sacrifices have amounted to nothing. Stay within your lane wherever you are, and be forgiving of people's limitations.

Some groups such as the gay community and feminist women will never support you at any point. You must bless them in your heart and steer clear of them. Build a life without them but do not be hostile to them in your heart or deeds.

You can embark on the ancient tradition of self-reliance. You can do this.

TIP FOR WEDNESDAY: WHAT (SEXUALLY) YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO IF YOU GO STRAIGHT

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Women are politely asked not to read this post.

In keeping with this week's focus on advice for guys in Phase 1 I made this video, which I hope won't get me in too much trouble.


I figured a lot of guys in Phase 1 may not have had good sexual experiences with women or any experiences with women. They may have heard a lot of negative things about sex with women from gay men who spoke negatively about their straight experiences, and from frustrated female friends and the general MeToo culture.

So I try to be classy in this discussion below, but I want to give guys in Phase 1 an honest picture of what their sexual rewards will be if they decide to get out of the gay life.

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

TIP (2): WHY BISEXUALITY IS NOT THE ANSWER

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This is an important video, in my opinion, if you are in Phase 1 (questioning whether this journey is worth it) and you hear from people that you don't have to go straight because you can just call yourself bisexual and date women. 

If you have 5 minutes or so to watch this video, I explain why over time I realized that bisexuality is not the answer, and the best course is to follow the full journey from gay to straight and embrace the "straight" label. 



I tried for many years to get around the difficulties of explaining myself by calling myself "Bisexual." 

As I explain in this video, this does not work, based on three impacts:

TIP FOR TUESDAY: REALLY THINK ABOUT WHETHER THIS JOURNEY IS FOR YOU

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I cannot emphasize enough the importance of going slow with this journey from gay to straight.

This week I am going to continue to look at points that address as many people's situations as possible. I will make sure to keep politics to a minimum. 

But I know there are lots of people who are in the gay lifestyle who are still at the gate, wondering if they can do this, or whether it is even worth it. And I have this message directed largely at them:



I will look more into this during this week. As a Bible-believing Christian, I think the answer to your situation will never be to continue engaging in sex with other guys. I would love for you, even if you are going to stay in your same network of friends, to stop the sex. But I know that for a lot of people to stop engaging in gay sex, you have to do all the other things we do in Phases 1-4, so you can break the habit. Jesus said that we're defiled by what flows out of our hearts, and if your heart is still full of gay thoughts and memories, it will be very hard to stop the sex.

Still, your life situation may not be such that you can make this drastic change right now. And for some of you, especially those who are not deeply religious, the practical realities of going straight are bad enough that you really want to consider this carefully before you jump into a project of going straight. 

There is always the option of going celibate, which entails directing your sex urge into safe, abstract outlets as opposed to restructuring your living so you find satisfaction with a woman.

Let me speak to some motivation questions we have here.

Here are good motives for embarking on a journey from gay to straight:

1. You feel God wants you to stop doing what you are doing and live a biblical life, but you know that you are not called to be celibate.
2. You feel you are straight and going gay was a mistake. This is a strong feeling that has persisted.
3. You are caught in a harmful pattern in the gay world, not bad enough for you to seek professional assistance, but enough that you know you have to make a break to get out of your situation. But you know that you cannot promise yourself to do without sex and love for the rest of your life. You need to know there is a hopeful end to whatever work you do to get out of gay activity.
4. You feel strongly attracted to women and want to give up relationships with men so you can follow that attraction.
5. You look at human history and sense that something is terribly off kilter about gay culture. It seems unnatural and you will never overcome that sense of discomfort with it. Heterosexual relationships look more natural to you and you will never overcome the sense that heterosexual relationships reflect your own yearnings and life goals.
6. You want to be a father and want to give the best life and upbringing to your children.
7. You have started a relationship with a woman already and are falling in love fast, to the point that you need to break off with the gay world so it does not ruin your relationship with her.

(Just so you know, my main motivation was actually #7, but it led me to feeling the other 6 over time.)

All the motivations above are good.

Here are bad motivations for trying to go straight:

1. You don't like being stigmatized or called names for being gay, and it seems like if you are straight you will be more accepted. 
2. You are annoyed with things in the gay world and think straight life is going to be easier.
3. You just had a bad breakup with a boyfriend and are really mad.
4. You have watched a lot of straight porn and think it's more fun than gay porn.
5. You have to please your parents.
6. Your parents are going to cut you off if you don't go straight.
7. Straight men seem like they are more handsome and you want to be more handsome.
8. You can picture yourself being a massive stud if you can just figure out how to have sex with girls.
9. You are considered unattractive in the gay world and think you will have better luck in the straight world because you see a lot of hot women dating ugly men.
10. You are HIV+ and want to start a whole new life where you are not surrounded by HIV-related stress.

As a Christian I want everyone to find God and live a Christ-centered life. But if you are motivated by items 1-10, I doubt this journey is going to work for you. It is hard enough to do when your motivations are good, but if your motivations are poor, you set yourself up to fail.

Consider other options

Going straight means that you are preparing yourself and changing yourself so you will be a good husband to a woman. The end goal is to marry a woman and satisfy her in a chaste, healthy sexual relationship.

There are other ways to resolve your situation:

1. You may decide to become celibate. I will try to find decent websites to explore this option for you. Don't count it out too quickly. (This is especially important to consider if you are HIV+.)

2. You may decide you are bisexual. I think this is a very bad idea, which I will discuss at length this week. But people have chosen this route, and some have managed to build healthy relationships with women even while they keep a bisexual identity.

3. You may decide to identify as gay and keep all your ties to the gay community, but just marry a woman. This strikes me as awful but I know some people defend this approach, especially in the Christian world.

4. You may decide to get into a marriage of convenience and cut a deal with a woman that allows you to do gay things on the side. The thought of this makes me scream, "no, no, no!" But I have to be honest about the hardships of going straight the way I am recommending it.

5. You may stay gay and stay in the gay community but strive to reduce unhealthy behaviors and avoid sodomite sex acts. This would have to entail getting help on things like sex addiction, porn addiction, or other behavioral problems from someone who can really help you manage those problems while you are still immersed in gay culture. I would be sad if you chose this route, but I cannot force you to do what other people and I did. You have to make your own choices and make peace with God.

There are lots of ex-gay ministries and books out there, which can help you figure out where your life is going to go. I am offering up English Manif to give you tips and pep talks if you know you have a strong sex urge and feel it can be a force for good, you need to be totally dedicated to a woman and cannot handle the ambiguity of being that way while still having ties to gay life, and you are willing to make a lot of personal sacrifices and endure struggles to get to your goal of being in a straight, chaste marriage.

How long a journey is this?

To give you a sense of what I have seen in people I know, the time frame is usually in years from the moment that you decide to get out of homosexuality to the point where you are married and in a chaste, healthy relationship to a woman.

The years vary and often the progression is messy with backsliding moments and a lot of heartbreak. If you are starting younger, then your journey can sometimes be longer, sometimes shorter, depending. 

In my case the timeframe was fast because I met and fell in love with a specific woman and lost my virginity much sooner than I thought I would. When I had the chance to move in with her I was so in love I hurried into it. I did not want to be sinful and cohabitate so we got married quickly. At the time I was Catholic, so when the priest found out we'd married in City Hall he forbade me from communion and brought me under church discipline. As a result we had a church wedding but that came significantly later. We have remained married for almost two decades and I would describe our marriage as very happy. We had ups and downs, believe me. But right now things are super strong.

Other people tend to describe timeframes of two years or more.

I can tell you that when I speak to straight guys who had trouble finding wives, their struggles seem to last a lot longer. Ex-gay men I know who decided they wanted to get married to a woman tend to move faster than straight men who have always taken heterosexuality for granted.

Monday, May 21, 2018

TIP (5): FORGIVENESS

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Is this journey really right for you?

To put a difficult past behind you, your greatest weapon is usually forgiveness. Nothing gives you power and freedom like the ability to forgive people for what they did to you. Once you forgive, you are unbound, free to venture out into other places and experiences.

The problem with so many movements, from MeToo to critical race theory to cultural Marxism, is the inability to begin the conversation with forgiveness. You are enslaved by oppressors twice if you can't let go of the oppression: the event of your subjugation, and the eternal slavery of being angry about things that cannot be changed.

On the journey from gay to straight, this is one key thing you will have to be ready for. You can never move forward until you forgive everyone who did mean things to you. Abandon revenge. Try no longer to win old arguments.

It is the particular burden of men to forgive. Women bear the burden of being physically weaker, so they find it harder to let down their guard. You are not safe when you forgive, and women have to worry about safety for themselves and their loved ones. But on this journey you have to become fully male. You will take on the labor and danger of forgiveness. And that will set you free.

TIP (4) FOR MONDAY: THINK OF KING DAVID

I had a great conversation with a young woman today who is currently studying 2 Samuel. We talked about King David. I found myself confessing that I feel conflicted over David. I know that God loved him with a special love. But King David made so many terrible mistakes.

Every part of the Bible is there for a reason. Ex-gay men need to look no further than David for inspiration. Yes, David let his own passions get the better of him and made awful mistakes, including one I hope none of you all will commit in your own lives -- he caused a man to die on the battlefield just so his wife Bathsheba could be free to become one of David's wives.

But the emotion and heartfelt zeal of the Psalms remains one of the greatest forces in the holy text. And these come from David's heart. God wants men to be like David. He wants us to have a male zeal, an emotional drive to confront challenges and charge ahead. But God knows that we will make mistakes because that drive inside of us is so hard to control and direct responsibly.

Yet what kind of man could come back from being immersed in dysfunctional life, reinvent himself, and make himself a charming and faithful husband to a woman? You have to be a little crazy, a little reckless, a little shameless, a little cocky to pull that off. Grieve for your mistakes as David did. Publicly witness to what you have done wrong. Let the prophets like Nathan call you to the carpet. But love God. Hear God. And don't spend all day long deliberating and listening to experts tell you how to live life.

Go out and live life.

TIP (3): HOW TO DEAL WITH CATHOLIC DEBATES LIKE THE ONE ABOUT THE POPE SAYING "GOD MADE YOU GAY"

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"Why is the Pope telling a man who got raped by a priest that God made him gay?" That's the big question.

A couple of people have contacted me about a controversy swirling about reports that Pope Francis told a sex abuse victim that God made him gay. They have asked for my comments but I am just going to blog about it, because I do not have time to put out something super fancy and well-edited.

TIP (2) FOR MONDAY: BIBLE VERSES PEOPLE OVERLOOK THAT WILL HELP YOUR JOURNEY

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Just a quick booster note before I rush out to do my work for the day. I got a piece published for a Christian action group, which I am so grateful for. Some things happened in the last few weeks that I have to take as a call from God; the message from Christ was loud and clear, though I cannot give the details. I know what my mission is right now, and it is to offer practical help to people who are struggling out there, to find hope and uplift in a culture of hate and strife. The piece I ran this weekend encouraged Christians to shift, as much as they can, their focus in the debate on LGBT issues. 

Instead of debating the scriptures that ban homosexuality (the "clobber verses"), I think Christians need to focus on the scriptures that mandate heterosexual sex. Not only is this better for the people they are trying to reach -- namely, people who have called themselves gay but who want to, and can, go on the easy journey to straight identity and living. Also, the debate is healthier for Christians if you focus on the passages where God commands mankind to be heterosexual. 

Sunday, May 20, 2018

EX-GAY TIP FOR MONDAY: REASONS TO STOP TALKING ABOUT GOING STRAIGHT, AND JUST DO IT

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With the current raging obsession among pro-gay elites about the supposed horrors of "conversion therapy," you may lose sight of a crucial reality. Tons of people go from gay to straight, with a relatively strong record of success. Are their straight marriages perfect? No, of course not, because no marriage is perfect. Do they sometimes grapple with recurring thoughts about homosexuality? Many do, but over time these recurrences matter less and less. Do they backslide? Some do, but they tend to recover.

It amazes me whenever public figures issue broad generalizations that say nobody has ever changed their sexual orientation. Nobody can even agree on what "sexual orientation" means. Not to mention that the LGBTQIAA+ acronym got so large because it had to accommodate complex stories like bisexuals, queer-identified people, pansexuals, questioning, etc. Many of these flukes include people who simply can't be called "gay" because they are in straight relationships now. Only the gay movement does not want to admit that people make this change so they create more fancy terms to hide what really happened.

But here is what I want to say to you, Mr. Ex-Gay out there. If you've been talking and thinking about getting out of gay life, just get started. Do it already! Below are some reasons why you should start.

If you're entertaining the thought of getting out of the gay lifestyle, you have probably already sowed your wild oats.

You are on this webpage for a reason. Something is going on with your gay life that you have come to find boring, disturbing, or harmful to you. Whatever wild time you had in the gay scene, it's behind you now. You do not need thrills or cheap amusements anymore because you've been there and done that. While going straight demands a lot from you, it will be worth it. The journey even with its tough moments will be more fun, probably, than spending the next three years on Grindr.

Much of what you do for the purpose of going straight is good for you even if, the Lord forbid, you decide in the end to go back to the gay world.

Everything English Manif sets down for the journey from gay to straight is good for you. Everyone should exercise and get fit. Everyone should quit porn and put the folks who exploit porn talent out of business. Everyone should find better things to do with their time than masturbate. If you follow the rules here, you will improve your health, become more confident and clear-headed, learn about yourself, and become more focused on pleasing others rather than on masturbatory self-gratification. That's all good!
Phase 3 is a good thing--devoting a time in your life to preparing yourself for a future mate.

If you remember, Phase 3 is where you have already left the gay community but you are not dating yet. You are working out, working on your career, learning to be a better listener, improving your living situation, and letting the bad memories of the past fade. You are building your faith in God and transforming yourself into the kind of man a woman finds desirable: strong, fit, ready to lead, a problem-solver, a good listener. These are good things you would want to do anyway, even if you were just going to stay in the gay community (which you aren't!)

Dating the way English Manif recommends it is fun.

If you take the time to go through Phases 1-3, then the dating period can be a lot of fun. Remember that English Manif does not recommend you try to become "straight" by proving you find every woman on earth attractive. English Manif says you have to be very persistent and patient and find one woman who is going to take your virginity and win your heart as she gives her heart to you. In phase 4 you will face rejection and might have your heart broken a few times, but the dating period is basically going places with women and having fun so you can get to know them and see if you like each other. It's fun to go to movies, carnivals, ferris wheel rides, hikes, museums, guest lectures, dinners in fancy restaurants. Women are really interesting! So even if you spend a lot of time in Phase 4 not feeling like a turned-on straight man, it doesn't matter--you are enjoying yourself. You are learning about different women. And chances are high that one of them will be into you and will pique your interest enough to push you over the threshold. At some point, a woman will attract your authentic interest. If you are relaxed and flexible enough during this dating period, it will not feel belabored and strict--it will happen naturally that at some point one of the women you date will make such good company, you will feel naturally drawn to going exclusive with her. At some point when you are kissing one of these women, and holding her in your arms, you will suddenly feel a warmth inside you, and you will realize, you aren't faking or forcing anything. You really like her.

Ex-gay men I know actually do well with women, when you compare them to regular straight guys.

I do not have a clear explanation for what I am about to tell you. I cannot go into many details because these men's pasts are carefully kept secrets. But the ex-gay men I've known have tended to couple with women within just a few years after deciding to leave the gay community. This may be because the men who get up the nerve to say they are going to leave and put their mind to it are a specific type of men. But mostly the cases I know point to the amazing capacity of men to apply even their hardest life lessons for good. Guys who come out of the gay scene and work hard on themselves to become more masculine, healthy, and stable, then go out and date carefully in search of a wife--these guys fare better than straight men who have taken heterosexuality for granted all their lives. My theory is that it takes a certain kind of guy to decide to go ex-gay. He is typically a guy who knows what he wants and appreciates what the value is of the goal he is pursuing. If he is determined to get out of the gay scene, he is usually going to be driven and focused, able to take control of his life and follow a plan. He comes with a history of overcoming adversity, usually, and that prepares him for the rejection of the dating years as well as the backlash from the gay community. The average single woman these days does not have tons of straight-guy options. Some of them are happy to get an ex-gay man who has learned through hardship how to consider other people's needs. Someone who went through years in a dark community lacking women is often aware of how valuable women are. And shows it. 

The alternative to getting out of the gay community is staying in the gay community.

And you know the gay community is a rough place. Otherwise you would not be on this website. Yes, it's true it is hard to give up porn and masturbation. But the alternative is to stay in the gay community and deal with unclean sex and snark all around you, for the rest of your life. Maybe pledging not to masturbate isn't that bad of an idea after all.

TIP FOR SUNDAY: WHY ARGUMENTS AGAINST SEXUAL ORIENTATION CHANGE ARE WRONG

[MAKE SURE TO READ THIS LINK FIRST IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME VISITING ENGLISH MANIF.]

Happy Sunday! Get out to church. I just want to go over some of the arguments I keep hearing from people who say it is IMPOSSIBLE and WRONG to change your sexual orientation. You may have heard these a million times but I want to remind you why they are wrong.

"I or someone I know tried and it didn't work."

It sounds like it didn't work for you. That could be for any number of reasons. If your goal was unrealistic, that was probably the main reason. You may have wanted to become straight to escape prejudice, when the goal really should have been to learn to stick up for yourself. You may have been frustrated with the gay community, when your goal should have been to enjoy the blessings of being with a woman. You may have wanted total elimination of homosexual thoughts, when your goal should have been to have the addition of thoughts and habits that make you pleasing to a woman you have dedicated your life to. Maybe you wanted to become a promiscuous straight person, which sets you up for disappointment because that's no better than being gay. Maybe you wanted everything to happen overnight, or you have a personality that cannot deal with the ban on masturbation and pornography, or you cannot abstain for long periods of time.

Sexual orientation change is possible and doable if you understand what your goal is, and you commit to reaching it with patience, perseverance, and a servant's heart.

"The thoughts and feelings are just too strong."

If you think about homosexual sex all day long and cannot think of anything else, your problem is that you have an obsession. You are not going to find happiness with that obsession by staying in the gay community and trying to feed it with lots of easily obtainable sex.

"I am happy in the gay community, because I found love and good friends and a satisfying relationship."

I cannot challenge you on that. You're you. You're in a place where you will have very little incentive to change, so this is not a project or website that really goes along with you.

"I hear reports that sexual orientation change causes suicide and depression."

Political activists like to craft language so that trends look like something they are not. The fact is that each of these cases is an individual. As individuals we find ourselves in a situation and have to choose what path we want to follow. For many people who feel unstable and depressed already, they need help to build up their psyche and improve their well-being, apart from any project of sexual orientation change. They needed to strengthen themselves in general before jumping into the stress and difficulty of trying to build a new life as a straight person. Those who feel suicidal and depressed in such a manner are going to face terrible struggles in the gay male community, surrounded by people with rigid beauty standards and high levels of conflict and instability. 

Sexual orientation change means, fundamentally, that you change how you orient your life and you build a new identity for yourself. You have to determine these choices based on sound judgment on your part. You have to go slow and check yourself along the way. If at any time you feel unstable, you need to take care of your emotional state before doing anything else.

"I see examples of ex-gays who went back."

Famous people are defined largely by their fame. They usually do not apply to the lives of ordinary people who are not making everything they do public and making a living off their identity. These examples are people who can tell you little about what will make you happy. We know that God intended you to be with the opposite sex or, if you have no sexual feeling at all, to be alone as a celibate.

"I just have always felt that this is who I am."

I can't change a conviction that deep. You have to go along your path and find some way to be happy with yourself. But it is important not to interfere with other people who want to leave homosexuality. Because if they are on that journey, they also have always felt that they were straight. This is who they are. They want to find themselves. Let them do it and be supportive.

"The thought of women makes me feel disgust."

If this is the case, you have a problem called misogyny. Females are half the population. They are God's children. Their sexuality is part of them. If they repulse you to the core then you are going to have a difficult time dealing with them at work and in your social networks. I cannot help you with this but you need help working through that and overcoming your difficulty with them. Many traits of women that you find disgusting are also shared by a lot of gay men, so you will not escape this problem by staying in the gay community.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

EX-GAY TIP(2) FOR SATURDAY: Should I refuse my wife sex if it brings back bad memories?

[MAKE SURE TO READ THIS LINK FIRST IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME VISITING ENGLISH MANIF.]

Women are politely asked not to read this post.

A question arose in a forum that I thought deserved a few quick paragraphs. (This is Robert Oscar Lopez speaking here, on his own behalf.)

Someone mentioned that his wife asked him to engage in the sex acts associated with gay life. He was wondering if it was a good idea or bad idea to go along with his wife's desires.

Friday, May 18, 2018

EX-GAY TIP FOR SATURDAY: MANAGING AROUSAL, DELAYING RELEASE

[MAKE SURE TO READ THIS LINK FIRST IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME VISITING ENGLISH MANIF.]

Women are politely asked not to read this post.

I have gotten quite a few questions from people who are intrigued by my points on masturbation. I want to thank some fellows who forwarded me information on the "no-fap" movement, which I should study a little more before commenting on it. But some folks have contacted me wanting to know why English Manif insists against masturbation for ex-gays, when everyone else tells ex-gays to use masturbation to train themselves to become straight.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

WHAT IS THIS BLOG DOING? WATCH VIDEO INTRO

EX-GAY TIP..UPDATE/FYI ON THE FIVE STEPS FROM GAY TO STRAIGHT

Okay, the stats have jumped a little here on English Manif, which could mean anything, I have no idea. For those of you who may have just joined the whole concept here, let me explain:




--This is a blog I started in 2013 when I was fighting for traditional marriage.
--English Manif had its ups and downs a while. A few months ago, I revived it to deal with ex-gay issues, especially because of the California law banning ex-gay therapy. My slogan was, "if I don't like the California law, I should break it!" So I turned English Manif into a webspace to impart practical tips for men to convert from gay to straight identity, living, and knowledge. 
--This blog is intended for reading by men who want to be straight and do not want to be gay. Increasingly this includes straight men who have never been gay and just want to think about their struggles as straight men in a society that hates heterosexuality, masculinity, and men. No writing on this website is designed to be appropriate for readers outside these descriptions.
--Robert Oscar Lopez has been described as bisexual, gay, ex-gay, a former homosexual, a self-hating bigot, an immoral man, a hater, a scumbag, a raging misogynist, and many other things. Currently he is straight and chaste. He has been with his wife for 19 years and has two children. He firmly supports chastity and opposes fornication and adultery, though he has been a sinner and has had to repent of many sins of the flesh. Once upon a time, he was gay.
--English Manif is opposed to all forms of pornography, sexual abuse, and prostitution. Many articles on English Manif discuss the importance of reducing masturbation to near abstinence. If this subject matter bothers you, you may not want to read this blog.
--Anybody reading this blog does so voluntarily. I cannot promise anybody anything about this blog and must avoid moles and saboteurs, so I am difficult to find. Nobody is allowed to pay me anything for this blog and I have no way of guaranteeing you any results from reading it. 
--These are all "tips." Take them or leave them. 
--The goal of this blog is neither acceptance of gay identity, nor acceptance of homosexuality as a political issue, nor celibacy, nor bisexuality. The goal of this blog is to help men who are currently identified as gay and who want to be straight, get into a chaste marriage with a woman, and have a healthy exclusive sex life with her.
--For what it is worth, most men in this orbit tend to be guys who have been labeled gay and who have fallen into a gay behavioral pattern, but who feel they really are meant to be straight and be with a woman.
--English Manif rejects the notion of sexual orientation as it is usually understood and believes all men are equal, but their identities, living, and knowledge differ among each other and over time.

--I published five articles that were five steps on the journey from gay to straight:

1. First, learn about heterosexuality and its superior benefits.
2. Second, leave the gay lifestyle and migrate to straight life.
3. Third, rebuild yourself in a state of abstinence until you complete a list of self-work and are "cleared" for dating.
4. Date women and find a wife.
5. Make love to your bride and embark on your life as a straight man.

These five articles were taken down so that they can be better edited, since they were intended for a much smaller audience than they ended up getting. They will be back up soon.

I hope this gives some context in case you are wondering what is going on!

English Manif will keep politics to a minimum and will not be primarily focused on fighting the LGBT agenda. Not everything posted on this site is written by R.O. Lopez. Things written by R.O. Lopez reflect the opinion of English Manif contributors and not his employer or any employer.


Blessings to you!

EX-GAY TIP FOR FRIDAY: HOW TO SUPPORT CELIBATE GAYS WITHOUT FALLING INTO AN LGBT POLITICAL TRAP

Okay, sorry to do politics for Friday. But I have to get this one quick point out there!

--------------------------------------------------------

Be wary of the "mix & match" trick with same-sex-attracted Christianity

Robert Oscar Lopez

The LGBT lobby has sympathetic promoters everywhere in society including in our most conservative churches. I see that some of our Christian leaders have to learn about a trick used by many of these well-funded groups. I call it the "mix & match" trick.

What is the "mix & match" trick?

It is almost like bait & switch but a little more subtle. Whatever agenda you are pushing, you mix your true goal with some other goal that is somewhat related, and quite likely desirable, but less likely to alarm people. You get people to sign on to what you are pushing, as a package, and then as soon as that happens, you run with the thing you were really pushing.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

If the recent posts have upset you... please read this.

Hello all. A good friend of mine in the pro-family movement asked that I post explaining the recent shift in tone on my blog. The references to sex and general casual nature of discussion have unsettled some of my colleagues, although I have avoided any use of profanity.

Let me start by saying that I care about the pro-family cause. But I have felt less motivated to battle the LGBT movement lately. Sometimes I feel that I've said everything I can say about the LGBT movement. I know there are many people who are not political who are caught in the crossfire of this cultural war. A few personal experiences lately have made it evident to me that I am not the only person who had the experience of being stuck in a sexual world that went counter to who I really was. There are other men who have become identified as gay and are not gay. Like I felt 20 years ago, they do not want pity, grants, a political champion, or elaborate advisement.

They just need a couple blogs to let them know they've got a fighting chance. It seems to me they don't follow court cases or state laws. They do not read political columns. But believe it or not, they read English Manif.

From what I can calculate, there seem to be roughly 125-150 ex-gay men around the world who are reading English Manif. That may seem like a small demographic to many of you. It may seem almost laughable that I would put so much time into crafting content for them.

But I did not start this blog for money or fame. I never wanted a huge audience or massive influence. I just wanted to do what God gave to me as a task. If I can give a hundred people who were in a situation like mine some support and encouragement so they do not give up, that is okay for me.

Guys who are essentially straight but caught in the gay world do not have many people who want to listen to them, let alone help them. A combination of tragedies and mistakes, many out of their control, often led them to the situation of desiring women but being burdened by extensive habits with men. I believe that speaking to them in hopeful language about heterosexuality is good. it is also good to speak in everyday language without a lot of the academic flairs.

To those readers who feel I am letting them down, I want to express my deepest goodwill. I know that as legislative and legal battles heat up over the next few years, others can take a strong leadership position against the LGBT lobby. I will do my small part. I just feel right now like there's a handful of people who need me. And I can't let them down.

Peace.